33+ Ways to Identify a Covert Female Narcissist (Traits & Signs)

A covert female narcissist is characterized by subtle, often hidden manipulative behaviors and a focus on maintaining a facade of vulnerability or victimhood.

Unlike overt narcissists who openly display grandiosity and a desire for attention, covert narcissists tend to be more reserved and can appear self-effacing or sensitive.

However, they still harbor deep-seated feelings of entitlement, a lack of empathy for others, and a need for control, admiration, and validation.

Their manipulation tactics are often underhanded, including gaslighting, passive-aggression, and emotional manipulation, making their behavior more challenging to recognize.

Covert narcissists often maintain their façade through a carefully curated appearance of innocence or benevolence, disguising their manipulative and self-centered motives.

Table of Contents

Ways to Identify a Covert Female Narcissist

Here’s a comprehensive list of ways to identify a covert female narcissist:

Gossip: Spreading rumors or talking negatively about others behind their backs. They use personal information for leverage. (#1 – Be very careful giving any personal information to a narcissist.)
Weaponizing Personal Information: Using sensitive information against others.
Lying: Habitually dishonest, even in trivial matters.
Baiting: Provoking reactions for amusement or manipulation.
Projection: Accusing others of their own negative traits or behaviors.
Acting Up for Pretextual Reasons: Creating drama or issues for ulterior motives.
Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own reality or sanity.
Manipulation: Influencing or controlling others for personal gain.
Concern Trolling: Offering help or concern to control or demean others.
Disrespecting Boundaries: Ignoring or violating personal boundaries.
Invasive Questions: Asking inappropriate or overly personal questions.
Oversharing: Sharing too much personal information about others to get attention, gain control, or manipulate.
Making Sweeping Assumptions: Generalizing others’ behaviors or intentions without evidence.
Triangulating: Creating rivalry or tension between others.
Entitlement: Believing they deserve special treatment or privileges.
Exploitation: Using others for personal gain without regard for their wellbeing.
Lack of Empathy: Inability to understand or care about others’ feelings.
Excessive Need for Admiration: Requiring constant praise and validation.
Superficial Charm: Being charming or charismatic to manipulate or deceive.
Envy: Resenting others’ success, possessions, or qualities.
Fantasies of Success and Power: Having grandiose visions of personal achievement or dominance.
Fragile Self-Esteem: Underneath the façade, having a very delicate sense of self-worth.
Alternating between Idealizing and Devaluing Others: Shifting rapidly between seeing someone as perfect and then worthless.
Hoovering: Trying to reel someone back into their sphere of influence after a period of separation or conflict.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing negative feelings indirectly rather than openly.
Victimhood: Consistently framing themselves as the victim in various situations.
Withholding Affection or Approval: Using emotional distance or disapproval as a control mechanism.
Scapegoating: Blaming others for their problems or failures.
Demanding Perfection: Having unrealistic expectations of others, often leading to criticism.
Ambiguity and Evasiveness: Being deliberately vague or evasive to avoid accountability.
Sudden Emotional Shifts: Displaying rapid and unpredictable changes in emotions.
Feigned Helplessness: Pretending to be unable to do something to manipulate others into doing it for them.
Mockery and Sarcastic Humor: Using humor to belittle or demean others.

Gossip: Spreading Rumors or Talking Negatively About Others Behind Their Backs

Gossip, in the context of covert narcissism, involves spreading rumors, secrets, or negative information about others, often to undermine them or elevate the narcissist’s own status.

Covert narcissists use gossip as a tool to manipulate social dynamics, create divisions, and maintain control in their relationships.

By spreading gossip, they can appear to be in-the-know or superior, and it can also be a strategy to deflect attention away from their own flaws or questionable actions.

Weaponizing Personal Information: Using Sensitive Information Against Others

Covert narcissists often collect and store personal or sensitive information about others, which they can later use as leverage or a weapon.

This information can be used to manipulate, blackmail, or publicly embarrass the individual, serving to maintain control and assert dominance.

It also creates an environment where others feel vulnerable and cautious, further enhancing the narcissist’s power in the relationship.

Lying: Habitually Dishonest, Even in Trivial Matters

Lying is a common trait in covert narcissists, used to manipulate and control situations to their advantage.

They may lie about small details to avoid blame or to create an image of themselves that aligns with their desired self-perception.

These lies can range from exaggerations to complete fabrications, and they are often so subtle or consistent that they can be hard to detect.

Habitual lying also helps the narcissist maintain a facade of innocence or victimhood.

Tactics and Mind Games of the Female Covert Narcissist

Baiting: Provoking Reactions for Amusement or Manipulation

Baiting is a tactic used by covert narcissists to elicit a reaction from others.

This can involve making provocative statements, asking loaded questions (often invasive and personal), or engaging in behaviors designed to annoy or trigger someone.

The goal is often to unsettle the other person, make them lose their composure, and then use their reaction as evidence of over-sensitivity or irrationality.

Baiting allows the narcissist to shift blame and maintain a position of control or superiority.

Projection: Accusing Others of Their Own Negative Traits or Behaviors

Projection is a defense mechanism where a person attributes their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or motives to someone else.

Covert narcissists often project their own insecurities or negative behaviors onto others.

For example, a narcissist who is being deceitful may accuse others of lying.

This not only diverts attention from their own flaws but also creates confusion and self-doubt in those around them.

Acting Up for Pretextual Reasons: Creating Drama or Issues for Ulterior Motives

Covert narcissists may create drama or issues based on fabricated, exaggerated, or pretextual reasons.

They do this to manipulate situations, gain attention, or control others.

This behavior can manifest as making mountains out of molehills, creating conflicts out of minor issues, or becoming upset over things that are seemingly inconsequential, all to serve an underlying agenda.

Gaslighting: Making Someone Doubt Their Own Reality or Sanity

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist sows seeds of doubt in a person or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity.

Covert narcissists use gaslighting to undermine others’ confidence and sense of reality, which in turn makes the victims more dependent on the narcissist for validation and understanding.

This tactic is insidious and can have long-term psychological effects on the victims.

Manipulation: Influencing or Controlling Others for Personal Gain

Manipulation is at the core of many narcissistic behaviors.

Covert narcissists skillfully influence or control others to serve their own needs or agendas.

This can involve emotional manipulation, such as guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or using others’ empathy against them, as well as more direct forms of manipulation like financial control or using leverage gained from personal information.

Concern Trolling: Offering Help or Concern to Control or Demean Others

Concern trolling involves offering unsolicited advice or expressing concern in a way that is actually patronizing, demeaning, or controlling.

Covert narcissists use this tactic to undermine others’ confidence or assert superiority under the guise of helpfulness.

It can be particularly damaging because it is often difficult for victims to pinpoint or call out without seeming ungrateful or paranoid.

Disrespecting Boundaries: Ignoring or Violating Personal Boundaries

Covert narcissists often ignore or violate the personal boundaries of others.

This can manifest in various ways, such as physical intrusions, unwarranted personal questions, or disregarding someone’s expressed wishes or limits.

For example, a covert narcissist might ask about somebody’s financial situation or how much money they make.

By disrespecting boundaries, the narcissist asserts dominance and control, often making the victim feel disrespected, powerless, or invaded.

Invasive Questions: Asking Inappropriate or Overly Personal Questions

Invasive questioning is a tactic where the narcissist probes into personal, often sensitive, areas of someone’s life (e.g., finances, romantic life).

These questions can be uncomfortable, inappropriate, or irrelevant to the context, serving the purpose of gathering information for later manipulation, putting the individual on the spot, or simply exercising control over the conversation.

Oversharing: Sharing Too Much Personal Information About Others to Gain Attention or Control

Oversharing involves divulging excessive personal information, often in inappropriate contexts or with people who are not close confidants.

For covert narcissists, oversharing can be a tactic to elicit sympathy, manipulate others into sharing their own secrets, or simply dominate conversations and attention.

It can also be a means to blur boundaries and create a false sense of intimacy or trust.

Making Sweeping Assumptions: Generalizing Others’ Behaviors or Intentions Without Evidence

Covert narcissists often make broad, unfounded assumptions about others’ behaviors, intentions, or feelings.

This can manifest as jumping to conclusions, stereotyping, or making presumptive statements without adequate evidence.

These assumptions can be used to justify their own behavior, delegitimize others’ feelings or experiences, and maintain a narrative that suits their agenda.

Triangulating: Creating Rivalry or Tension Between Others

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic where the narcissist pits two or more people against each other, often by playing them off one another or by using one as a means to communicate with the other.

This creates tension, confusion, and conflict among the parties involved, allowing the narcissist to remain in control and avoid direct confrontation.

It also serves to distract from the narcissist’s own behavior.

Entitlement: Believing They Deserve Special Treatment or Privileges

Entitlement in covert narcissists manifests as an underlying belief that they are inherently deserving of special treatment, privileges, or concessions, without the need for corresponding effort or justification.

This sense of entitlement can lead to unreasonable demands, expectations for preferential treatment, and frustration or anger when these expectations are not met.

Exploitation: Using Others for Personal Gain Without Regard for Their Wellbeing

Exploitation involves taking advantage of others for personal gain, often without regard for their well-being or interests.

Covert narcissists may exploit others emotionally, financially, or socially, using them as tools or stepping stones to achieve their own goals.

This behavior is underpinned by a lack of empathy and a willingness to use others as means to an end.

Lack of Empathy: Inability to Understand or Care About Others’ Feelings

A hallmark of narcissism is a lack of empathy, which in covert narcissists can be particularly insidious.

They may feign empathy or concern when it serves their purpose, but fundamentally, they lack the ability to genuinely understand or share the feelings of others.

This lack of empathy underlies many of the manipulative and harmful behaviors associated with narcissism, as the narcissist is unable or unwilling to consider the impact of their actions on others.

Excessive Need for Admiration: Requiring Constant Praise and Validation

Covert narcissists have an excessive need for admiration and validation from others.

Despite their outward appearance of self-sufficiency or humility, they crave recognition and praise, and they may go to great lengths to seek it out.

This need for validation can manifest in fishing for compliments, becoming overly involved in activities that garner attention, or being overly sensitive to criticism or perceived slights.

Superficial Charm: Being Charming or Charismatic to Manipulate or Deceive

Covert narcissists often exhibit superficial charm, using their charisma and social skills to manipulate or deceive others.

This charm can be particularly disarming because it contrasts with the more negative aspects of narcissism.

They may be engaging, witty, and seemingly attentive in social situations, but this charm is often a tool to gain favor, influence people, and mask their more manipulative intentions.

Envy: Resenting Others’ Success, Possessions, or Qualities

Envy is a common trait in covert narcissists, who may feel a strong sense of jealousy towards others’ achievements, possessions, or personal qualities.

They may not openly express this envy but instead might belittle, undermine, or attempt to sabotage the successes or attributes of others.

This behavior stems from their own feelings of inadequacy and a desire to be seen as superior.

Fantasies of Success and Power: Having Grandiose Visions of Personal Achievement or Dominance

Covert narcissists often harbor fantasies of extraordinary success, power, or dominance.

These fantasies can be a form of escapism from their reality, where they may feel inadequate or unfulfilled.

While they might not express these grandiose visions openly, they shape their worldview and behaviors, often leading to unrealistic expectations and a sense of entitlement.

Fragile Self-Esteem: Underneath the Façade, Having a Very Delicate Sense of Self-Worth

Despite their outward appearance of confidence or self-assuredness, covert narcissists typically have very fragile self-esteem.

This vulnerability is carefully guarded and can manifest as hypersensitivity to criticism, overreaction to perceived slights, or a constant need for reassurance and validation from others.

Alternating Between Idealizing and Devaluing Others: Shifting Rapidly Between Seeing Someone as Perfect and Then Worthless

This behavior involves oscillating between extremes in how they perceive others, often without a justified basis.

One moment, a person might be held in high esteem, and the next, they are seen as entirely worthless or flawed.

This erratic valuation is often used to manipulate or control relationships and can leave the other party confused and destabilized.

Hoovering: Trying to Reel Someone Back Into Their Sphere of Influence After a Period of Separation or Conflict

Hoovering is a tactic where the narcissist attempts to bring someone back into their circle of influence, often after a period of separation, disagreement, or after the victim has tried to break away from the relationship.

This can involve making promises of change, feigning remorse, or using guilt and emotional appeals to regain control and attention.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Expressing Negative Feelings Indirectly Rather Than Openly

Covert narcissists often express their negativity or hostility in passive-aggressive ways.

This can include sarcastic remarks, backhanded compliments, subtle sabotage, or non-verbal cues like eye-rolling or sighing.

These behaviors allow them to express hostility without direct confrontation, often leaving the recipient feeling confused or at fault.

Victimhood: Consistently Framing Themselves as the Victim in Various Situations

Covert narcissists frequently portray themselves as victims, regardless of the situation or their role in it.

This victimhood stance is a manipulation tactic to gain sympathy, avoid responsibility, and control the narrative.

It’s often used to deflect criticism, garner support, or justify inappropriate behavior.

Withholding Affection or Approval: Using Emotional Distance or Disapproval as a Control Mechanism

Covert narcissists may manipulate others by withholding affection, approval, or attention.

This tactic can be used to punish, control, or manipulate someone into compliance or to reinforce a power dynamic in the relationship.

Victims often find themselves working harder to please the narcissist to regain that lost approval or affection, which can be emotionally draining and damaging.

Scapegoating: Blaming Others for Their Problems or Failures

Scapegoating involves placing undue blame on others for one’s own problems or failures.

Covert narcissists use this tactic to deflect responsibility and maintain their self-image of perfection or victimhood.

By projecting their faults onto someone else, they avoid accountability and can continue to present themselves in a positive light.

Demanding Perfection: Having Unrealistic Expectations of Others, Often Leading to Criticism

This behavior involves setting unreasonably high standards for others and being overly critical when these standards are not met.

Covert narcissists often use this tactic to assert control and superiority over others.

This constant demand for perfection can be a form of emotional abuse, leading to anxiety and a sense of inadequacy in those around them.

Ambiguity and Evasiveness: Being Deliberately Vague or Evasive to Avoid Accountability

Covert narcissists may intentionally be vague or evasive in their communication.

This tactic prevents them from being pinned down or held accountable for their words or actions.

By keeping their intentions or statements ambiguous, they retain control and can manipulate situations to their advantage.

Sudden Emotional Shifts: Displaying Rapid and Unpredictable Changes in Emotions

Covert narcissists may exhibit sudden and dramatic shifts in their emotional state.

These shifts can be disorienting and confusing to those around them, and are often used to manipulate or control situations.

This behavior can also be a defense mechanism, masking their true feelings or vulnerabilities.

Feigned Helplessness: Pretending to Be Unable to Do Something to Manipulate Others into Doing It for Them

This tactic involves the narcissist pretending they are unable to perform a task or handle a situation, thereby manipulating others into taking over the responsibility.

It’s a way to gain sympathy, attention, or assistance without having to be direct about their needs or intentions.

Mockery and Sarcastic Humor: Using Humor to Belittle or Demean Others

Covert narcissists often use mockery and sarcastic humor as tools to belittle or demean others.

This can be particularly damaging as it can be disguised as just “joking around,” making it harder for victims to call out the behavior without seeming overly sensitive or lacking a sense of humor.

Conclusion

These behaviors paint a complex picture of the covert narcissist’s interpersonal dynamics.

While these behaviors can be indicative of narcissism, they can also be present in various other contexts and psychological profiles.

It’s important to consider the overall pattern and consistency of these behaviors, and professional psychological assessment is essential for an accurate diagnosis.

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