179+ Best Comebacks, Roasts & Burns (All Situations)

Crafting the best comebacks, roasts, and burns to insults is a bit of an art form.

It requires quick thinking, a good sense of humor, and a bit of cleverness.

Here are some general categories and examples of smart comebacks:

The Polite Rebuke: Respond with politeness to diffuse the situation.
- “Thank you for your perspective.”
- “I appreciate your opinion.”
The Humorous Deflection: Use humor to lighten the mood.
- “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
- “I’m not a proctologist, but I know an a–hole when I see one.”
The Self-Deprecating Response: Sometimes making fun of yourself can disarm the insulter.
- “I’ve been called worse things by better people.”
- “You’re right, I’m not perfect. Fortunately, I don’t have to be.”
The Simple Ignore: Sometimes not responding at all sends a powerful message.
- Just smile and walk away.
The Thought-Provoker: Make them think about what they’ve just said.
- “Does saying that make you feel better?”
- “Do you feel good about saying things like that?”
The Direct Approach: Address the insult head-on.
- “That was unnecessary and unkind.”
- “I don’t appreciate that comment.”
The Confusing Reply: Throw them off with something nonsensical.
- “I don’t know how to respond to that because I don’t speak [something absurd like ‘underwater basket weaving’].”
- “I’m processing that comment with the seriousness it deserves.”
The Compliment Flip: Turn it into a compliment for yourself.
- “I’m glad you notice my unique style.”
- “Thanks for acknowledging my individuality.”

The best comeback depends on the situation, the insult, and your personal style. It’s often better to respond in a way that de-escalates the situation rather than escalates it.

Table of Contents

Best Comebacks

Here are 60 comebacks for various situations. Keep in mind that the context and the nature of the interaction are important when choosing how to respond:

“I’m sorry, did I invite your opinion?”
“Your right to an opinion does not make your opinion valid.”
“I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.”
“I keep thinking you can’t get any dumber and you keep proving me wrong.”
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’re an expert on my life.”
“I don’t remember ordering a glass of your opinion.”
“I’m busy right now; can I ignore you some other time?”
“I’ve been called worse by better people.”
“Is it time for your medication or mine?”
“Wow! Did you come up with that all by yourself?”
“Sorry, I don’t speak nonsense.”
“I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?”
“I believe in freedom of speech, but that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to listen.”
“I’m not a proctologist, but I know an a-hole when I see one.”
“Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.”
“Your village called; they want their idiot back.”
“I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
“I’ve seen smarter cabinets at IKEA.”
“I envy people who have never met you.”
“Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain back there.”
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”
“I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.”
“I’m not a mirror, but I can sure reflect your stupidity.”
“I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.”
“I’m not ignoring you. I’m just giving you a time to reflect on what you just said.”
“You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck thinking.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.”
“Some day you’ll go far—and I hope you stay there.”
“Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
“You only annoy me when you’re breathing.”
“Shock me, say something intelligent.”
“You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
“I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.”
“You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
“Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.”
“You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
“Brains aren’t everything. In your case, they’re nothing.”
“I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.”
“You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
“If you’re waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.”
“You’re not pretty enough to have such an ugly personality.”
“If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb to your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“I don’t hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.”
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
“You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think ‘not now’.”
“You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
“You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?”
“Your face makes onions cry.”
“If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
“I’m jealous of people who don’t know you.”
“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”
“You’re the reason I prefer animals to people.”
“You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.”
“I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
“You’re like a slinky: not really good for anything, but you bring a smile to my face when pushed down the stairs.”
“Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.”
“Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?”

While these comebacks can be witty, it’s always important to consider the context and whether a sharp response is appropriate in the situation.

Sometimes, it’s better to address conflict with understanding and diplomacy rather than sharp words.

Best Roasts

Roasting, especially in good humor, can be a fun and witty way to engage with friends, provided it’s done in a friendly and consensual manner.

Here are 60 roasts that playfully poke fun without crossing the line into being overly harsh or mean:

“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”
“If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.”
“You are the human equivalent of a participation award.”
“You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
“I’d explain it to you, but I’m out of puppets and crayons.”
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; you cause happiness whenever you go.”
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
“You’re the reason I prefer animals to people.”
“You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
“I envy everyone you have never met.”
“You’re like Monday mornings, nobody likes you.”
“Your face makes onions cry.”
“I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the trash out.”
“You’re so dense, light bends around you.”
“If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.”
“You’re not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.”
“I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
“You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
“You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.”
“If I wanted to hear from an idiot, I’d watch YouTube videos.”
“Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
“You’re the reason I prefer to work alone.”
“You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think ‘not now’.”
“I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.”
“You’re as useful as a knitted condom.”
“You’re like a glue stick: you have the potential to be useful, but you’re not.”
“You’re the human version of a participation ribbon.”
“If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.”
You have a face only a mother could love, and she has to be blind.
“You’re so ugly, when you throw a boomerang, it doesn’t come back.”
“If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”
“You’re not pretty enough to be this stupid.”
“You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.”
“You’re like a GPS. You talk too much, and I still end up lost.”
“If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
“You’re so ugly, when you walk into a bank, they turn off the cameras.”
“If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.”
“You’re like school in July – no class.”
“You’re so ugly, you scared the crap out of the toilet.”
“It’s not that I’m smarter than you, it’s just that you’re dumber than everyone else.”
“You’re the reason I work out. So I can run away faster.”
“You’re like a bag of Pampers. Self-absorbed and full of…”
“You have the charisma of a damp rag.”
“If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“You’re so ugly, you make blind kids cry.”
“You’re so annoying, you make your Happy Meal cry.”
“You’re not the stupidest person in the world, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
“You’re like a software update in the middle of a workday – completely unnecessary.”
“You’re as pointless as a white crayon.”
“You’re the human version of period cramps.”
“You’re like a screen door on a submarine.”
“If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cab-bitch.”
“You’re the reason we have warning labels.”
“You have a great face for radio.”
“You’re like a tornado; everything’s calm until you show up.”
“You’re so irrelevant, you wouldn’t be invited to your own birthday party.”
“You’re as useful as a one-legged man in a butt kicking competition.”
“If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“You’re the reason I understand why some animals eat their young.”
“You’re like a public toilet – everyone makes fun of you, but they still use you when they have to.”

Roasting should always be done in good fun and never to genuinely hurt someone’s feelings.

It’s important to know your audience and ensure that your words are taken in the spirit they’re intended.

Best Burns

Creating burns that are similar to insults requires a balance of wit and humor, ensuring they are playful rather than hurtful.

Here are 60 burns that follow this guideline:

“If you were any more inane, you’d be a tutorial on how to breathe.”
“I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.”
“You’re not the dumbest person in the room, but you better hope they don’t leave.”
“You’re the human equivalent of a participation award.”
“I’d explain it to you, but I left my English-to-Dumbass Dictionary at home.”
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
“You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
“You’re about as useful as a knitted condom.”
“You’re not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.”
“I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.”
“I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.”
“You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
“I’d insult you, but nature did a better job.”
“I’d love to stay and chat but I’d rather have type-2 diabetes.”
“You’re like a software update. Whenever I see you, I think ‘not now’.”
“I don’t hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I’d drink it.”
“If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
“You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.”
“You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.”
“If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
“If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.”
“You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.”
“You’re so ugly, when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.”
“You’re not pretty enough to be this dumb.”
“If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.”
“You’re like a screen door on a submarine.”
“I wish we were better strangers.”
“You’re as bright as a black hole, and twice as dense.”
“You’re so annoying, you make your Happy Meal cry.”
“I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.”
“Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.”
“I’d explain it to you but I don’t have any crayons with me.”
“You have a face only a mother could love, and she has to be blind.”
“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you better hope they don’t die.”
“You’re the reason God created the middle finger.”
“You’re so fake, Barbie is jealous.”
“You’re so irrelevant, you wouldn’t be invited to your own birthday party.”
“You’re the reason I prefer animals to people.”
“You’re like a GPS. You talk too much, and I still end up lost.”
“You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.”
“If you were twice as smart, you’d still be stupid.”
“You’re so ugly, you make blind kids cry.”
“Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.”
“You’re so ugly, when you walk into a bank, they turn off the cameras.”
“You’re the human version of a migraine.”
“If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.”
“You’re not a complete idiot. Some parts are obviously missing.”
“You’re so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn’t come back.”
“You’re as bright as a solar eclipse.”
“You’re like a public toilet – everyone makes fun of you, but they still use you when they have to.”
“You’re the reason the divorce rate is so high.”
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.”
“You’re like a slinky: not really good for anything, but you bring a smile to my face when pushed down the stairs.”
“You’re so dense, light bends around you.”
“You’re as useful as a white crayon.”
“You’re the human version of period cramps.”
“I’d love to insult you, but I’m not as low as your standards.”
“You have an entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?”
“If stupid could fly, you’d be a jet.”
“You’re the reason shampoo has instructions.”

As always, it’s important to remember that these burns should be used in a context of humor and not to genuinely offend or hurt someone.

The intention should always be lighthearted and playful.

FAQ – Comebacks, Roasts & Burns

What is the difference between a comeback and an insult?

A comeback and an insult are both forms of verbal sparring, but they differ significantly in their intent and context.

An insult is typically a disrespectful or offensive remark aimed at belittling or hurting someone. It is often unprovoked and reflects negatively on both the target and the person delivering it.

On the other hand, a comeback is a quick, witty response to an insult or criticism.

It is generally seen as a defense mechanism or a clever retort that can neutralize or reverse the impact of the initial comment.

While insults are inherently negative, comebacks can be seen as a skillful way of handling criticism or rudeness without resorting to outright rudeness themselves.

How do you craft an effective roast without being offensive?

Crafting an effective roast without being offensive involves a delicate balance of humor, respect, and awareness of boundaries.

The key is to focus on light-hearted, universally acknowledged quirks or peculiarities of the person being roasted, rather than on personal vulnerabilities or sensitive topics.

It’s important to know the audience and the roastee well enough to gauge what kind of humor will be appreciated and what might cross the line.

Self-deprecation by the roaster can also help in setting a tone that’s more in jest than in malice.

Additionally, keeping the roast in a context where such humor is expected and accepted (like a roast event) is crucial.

What are some tips for delivering a burn with good timing?

Read the Room: Understanding the mood and preferences of your audience is crucial. A burn that might be hilarious in one setting could fall flat or offend in another.
Timing is Key: The impact of a burn often lies in its timing. Deliver it too soon or too late, and it loses its effect. The ideal moment is usually right after the trigger comment or situation.
Keep it Light: The best burns are those that everyone, including the person at the receiving end, can laugh at.
Confidence: Deliver your burn with confidence, but not arrogance. A confident delivery often enhances the humor.
Don’t Overdo It: A well-timed burn is effective because it’s unexpected. If you’re constantly throwing out burns, they can lose their charm.

Can comebacks be used in a professional setting without being inappropriate?

Comebacks can be used in a professional setting, but they require extra caution.

The key is to ensure that the comeback is light-hearted, respectful, and appropriate for a work environment.

It should never be personal, offensive, or divisive.

A professional comeback might be more about cleverly turning a situation or comment around without causing offense, rather than outsmarting or belittling the other person.

It’s also crucial to consider the company culture and the relationship between the individuals involved; what works in a relaxed, informal company might not be suitable in a more traditional or formal setting.

What are some classic examples of witty comebacks?

Winston Churchill’s Comebacks: Churchill was famous for his wit. When told by a woman that she would poison his tea if she were his wife, Churchill reportedly replied, “Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
Oscar Wilde’s Quips: Wilde was known for his sharp wit. When asked to declare anything at the customs, Wilde reportedly said, “I have nothing to declare except my genius.”
Groucho Marx’s Retorts: Marx often used humor in his comebacks. When a guest arrived late to a dinner and said, “I hope I haven’t kept you waiting,” Marx replied, “Oh no, I’ve been enjoying myself every minute of the time.”

How can you respond to insults in a way that de-escalates a situation?

Responding to insults in a way that de-escalates a situation involves taking the high road and not retaliating with more insults.

A calm, composed response, or even choosing not to respond at all, can often defuse the situation.

Humor can also be a useful tool, as long as it’s not sarcastic or demeaning.

Acknowledging the insult without aggression and redirecting the conversation to more constructive topics is another effective strategy.

Showing empathy or concern for why the person felt the need to insult can also change the dynamic, moving away from confrontation.

What are the key elements of a memorable roast?

Humor: The essence of a good roast is humor that is sharp yet not crossing into cruelty.
Familiarity: A roast should reflect a sense of familiarity with the roastee, making fun of known traits or habits in a light-hearted way.
Timing: Just like with any form of comedy, timing is crucial in delivering the lines for maximum effect.
Audience Engagement: A successful roast often involves the audience, making them feel a part of the jest.
Respect for Boundaries: While roasts are about poking fun, knowing where to draw the line is key to not turning the humor into offense.

How can you differentiate between playful and hurtful insults?

Differentiating between playful and hurtful insults often comes down to the context, tone, and relationship between the people involved.

Playful insults are usually delivered in a light-hearted, joking manner and occur within the bounds of a close relationship where both parties understand the intention is not to harm.

They often involve mutual teasing and are accepted as part of the dynamic.

Hurtful insults, however, carry a tone of malice or contempt, and their intent is to belittle or demean.

They may be personal, touching on sensitive subjects, and leave the recipient feeling attacked or demeaned.

The reaction of the person on the receiving end is also a strong indicator; if they seem hurt or offended, it’s likely the insult was not perceived as playful.