107+ George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin was a comedian, writer, and social critic known for his thought-provoking, irreverent, and sometimes controversial humor.

Here are some of the characteristics that are often associated with his quotes:

• Satirical: George Carlin was a master of satire, using humor to expose and criticize the absurdities of society, politics, and culture. His quotes often take a critical look at the way things are and challenge people to think differently.
• Provocative: Carlin was not afraid to tackle taboo topics and push the boundaries of what was considered acceptable in mainstream culture. His quotes often provoke a strong reaction from people, either through laughter or discomfort.
• Philosophical: Despite his reputation as a comedian, Carlin was also a deep thinker and his quotes often contain profound insights into the human condition. He was interested in the big questions of life and used his humor to explore them in a unique and memorable way.
• Linguistically creative: Carlin had a way with words and was known for his creative use of language, puns, and wordplay. His quotes often feature clever wordplay and linguistic acrobatics that are both entertaining and thought-provoking.
• Timeless: Even though Carlin’s comedy was very much rooted in the social and political issues of his time, many of his quotes have stood the test of time and remain relevant today. He had a way of tapping into universal themes and ideas that resonate with people across generations.

Overall, George Carlin’s quotes are characterized by their wit, irreverence, and incisive social commentary, making him a legendary figure in the world of comedy and social critique.

George Carlin Quotes

Here are some George Carlin quotes:

1. “I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”
2. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
3. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
4. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
5. “The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
6. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
7. “I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
8. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
9. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
10. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
11. “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
12. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
13. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
14. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
15. “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to do it.'”
16. “The only thing that’s worse than a liberal is a liberal who’s been educated.”
17. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
18. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
19. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
20. “I’m always looking for meaningful one-night stands.”
21. “I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.”
22. “I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.’”
23. “I’m not a religious person, I’m spiritual. Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.”
24. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
25. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
26. “If the shoe fits, get another just like it.”
27. “There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
28. “Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
29. “If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re missing the best joke of all.”
30. “The status quo sucks.”
31. “I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.”
32. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
33. “Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”
34. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”
35. “Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
36. “I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.”
37. “We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.”
38. “The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
39. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
40. “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
41. “The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to do it.'”
42. “I don’t have a fear of heights. I have a fear of falling from heights. With a parachute, it’s fine.”
43. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”
44. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
45. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
46. “Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
47. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
48. “I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”
49. “When you’re right, nobody remembers. When you’re wrong, nobody forgets.”
50. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
51. “If it weren’t for my mind, my body would have nothing to do.”
52. “We’re all just walking each other home.”
53. “I don’t like people who have never fallen or stumbled. Their virtue is lifeless and of little value. Life hasn’t revealed its beauty to them.”
54. “I have certain rules I live by. My first rule: I don’t believe anything the government tells me.”
55. “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”
56. “I’m not a pessimist, I’m an optimist with experience.”
57. “If you don’t have a plan, you become part of somebody else’s plan.”
58. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
59. “I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”
60. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
61. “I don’t like words that hide the truth. I don’t like words that conceal reality. I don’t like euphemisms or euphemistic language.”
62. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
63. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
64. “It’s the little things that make life worth living: a kiss on the cheek, a sip of whiskey, a pretty girl walking down the street.”
65. “Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?”
66. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”
67. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
68. “I’m not a conspiracy theorist, I’m a conspiracy analyst.”
69. “I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”

These are just a few of the many memorable quotes from George Carlin.

His wit, humor, and social commentary continue to be influential and resonate with people around the world.

Let’s check out some more.

George Carlin Religious Quotes

George Carlin Religious Quotes:

1. “Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
2. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
3. “I’m not a person who thinks they’re God’s gift to the planet or that I’m God’s gift to comedy, either. I’m just a guy who’s doing a job.”
4. “I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”
5. “I’m not interested in whether you’ve stood with the great. I’m interested in whether you’ve sat with the broken.”
6. “If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”
7. “When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.”
8. “The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”
9. “I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of Him. If He does exist, He’s done some terrible things to me and I don’t want to piss Him off anymore.”
10. “Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

Best George Carlin Quotes

Best George Carlin Quotes:

1. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
2. “Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”
3. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
4. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
5. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
6. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
7. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
8. “Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
9. “We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life.”
10. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

Funny George Carlin Quotes

Funny George Carlin Quotes:

1. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
2. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
3. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
4. “Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”
5. “I’m not a person who thinks they’re God’s gift to the planet or that I’m God’s gift to comedy, either. I’m just a guy who’s doing a job.”
6. “I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”
7. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
8. “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
9. “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”

Political George Carlin Quotes (Government)

Political George Carlin Quotes (Government):

1. “I have this problem with this government. It’s not the people- I love the people. It’s the system.”
2. “The politicians are there to give you the illusion of choice. You have no choice. You have owners.”
3. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”
4. The real owners are the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians, they’re an irrelevancy. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice.”
5. “I’m always willing to be reasonable with the government, but these days, I’m not so sure the government is willing to be reasonable with me.”
6. “When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.”
7. “I don’t vote. Two reasons. First of all, it’s meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long time ago. The shit they shovel around every 4 years, pfff, doesn’t mean a fuckin’ thing. Secondly, I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. I don’t vote, I don’t complain, I bitch.”
8. “The government doesn’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”
9. “The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
10. “Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.”

George Carlin Quotes About Life

George Carlin Quotes About Life:

1. “Life is a series of dogs.”
2. “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
3. “Don’t just teach your children to read… teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
4. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
5. “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”
6. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
7. “If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That’s not self-help, that’s help!”
8. “The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
9. “We’re all just people, and we’re all just trying to fit in. We’re all just trying to find our place in the world.”
10. “I think everyone should be allowed to do what they want to do, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.”

George Carlin Quotes on Education

George Carlin Quotes on Education:

1. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
2. “I don’t believe anything, but I have many suspicions.”
3. “I am a philosophical comedian. My stuff comes from my head and my heart, not my dick.”
4. “I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
5. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”
6. “The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating… and you finish off as an orgasm.”

Final Word – George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin was a legendary comedian, writer, and social critic known for his incisive wit and irreverent humor.

His quotes often challenged societal norms and provoked deep thought about the human condition.

Carlin’s characteristic satire, philosophical insights, linguistic creativity, and timeless relevance continue to inspire and entertain audiences worldwide.

His unique perspective and bold style have left a lasting impact on the world of comedy and social critique, cementing his place as one of the most iconic figures of his time.

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